Gawd Damn Buckeyes

Over the years, I have slowly developed a dislike for the Ohio State Buckeyes.  I feel as if I should rephrase, I dislike the Ohio State Buckeye crazy obsessed fans.  I have learned not to divulge my feelings to openly, instead I now lead them to believe that I am just a dumb girl who hates football.    Maybe I’m just getting older but when I hear that resounding “O” ”H”, I cringe and scrunch my nose like someone just shit their pants, looking around for the culprit.  I know it is sacrilegious in Ohio to think let alone say something of this nature but I must get it off my chest.  

I feel I should fill you in on my last outing with the buckeyes…

Incident #1 

I was at the Varsity Club (I know stupid to begin with) during an Ohio State Football night game.  It was crowded loud and uncomfortable.  I was the fifth wheel on a bicycle rickshaw so the night wasn’t going so smoothly to begin with.  I decided to head to the bathroom even though I didn’t have to go, by the time I waited in the line I figured I would have to go then.  On my way back from the bathroom the buckeyes must have made a first down or something equally as great because everyone was celebrating.  I was walking through all the people when all of a sudden I get hit in the shoulder and slightly knocked off balance by some fucking douche bag.  Wide eyed and in awe I kept walking to the sanctuary of my group.  (Note: the fucking douche bag never acknowledged my existence)    

Incident #2

Still there, the game is over and I hate life.  I am sitting in a chair minding my own business when no other than Bart Simpson starts talking to me.  (ok, so it really isn’t Bart Simpson and no, I was not that drunk, this guy just looked like his human spawn)  The conversation began with “Bart” asking why I don’t like football.  This is when I made the biggest mistake OF MY LIFE.  I told a diehard Ohio state fan that I do not like diehard Ohio state fans.  WHO KNEW!?  After I was chastised for being so narrow minded about the fans and informed how all football fans are stupid obsessed in every state.  I should understand that “Bart” loves the buckeyes because he graduated from there and his mom has two degrees from there.  Apparently, a college degree gives you the right to make a complete ass out of yourself every Saturday in the fall.   I decided after this that not only to a dislike the fans, I should avoid all encounters with them.

I honestly believe that some fans probably pray to the buckeyes and not god.  Could you imagine “Dear Buckeyes please give me the strength to not get so intoxicated during your next game that I can make it home and not end up in the bushes again with an unexplainable wet spot, chipped tooth and an unnatural urge to scratch my crotch.  Amen”